We were supposed to be staying together, forever. That was the plan. Actually, it was our promise to each other. He was going to be faithful and loyal to me and me with him. Twenty years ago, we made that pact in front of our family, friends, and loved ones. God himself blessed this pact we made. We were wed, and it was the happiest day of my life. I didn’t know that it would change and or that he would break his promise.
My grandfather said that in such a blunt manner that the sting of his words cut me to the core. People get tired of loving other people? Was I so blind that I didn’t see it? What happened to me? Why was I clouded with my love for him that I forgot to put my feet on the ground and check reality as it is happening in the four corners of our home? Why didn’t he say something?
“We should examine the inextricable role that self-love plays in any and all human connection.” – Clinical Psychologist and relationship expert Molly Gasbarrini, Ph.D.
Is it so easy to fall out of love? I tried my best. I know I did. But like James Ingram said in his song, “I did my best, but my best wasn’t good enough.” I mean, why wasn’t I good enough? I know I am pretty. I may be a bit old, but I am still physically beautiful. I didn’t become overweight. In fact, my body is as slim as I was when we first met. I took care of my health, as well, and exercised several days a week. I wanted to be pleasing to his eyes, and I did my absolute best on that.
“Anxiety is often used as a tool to help you push yourself to your limit of achievement. The downside is that there are often negative meanings attached, such as not being good enough or not valuing rest.” – Kristine Tye, MA, LMFT
As for my attitude towards him, even his mother told me, “You are such a kind person, Belle.” Does that mean he doesn’t like a kind woman? Maybe he likes someone who is chubby or naughty? Did I bore him to death? I mean, this is me. This is all me. This is all I can be and how I am for him. Maybe, he just didn’t like the real “me.” But he should have been honest.
And so, I look at the right side of my bed, and it’s been empty for a while now. He won’t be coming back. That’s what he said. He said he doesn’t love me anymore and that he doesn’t want to pretend. He said he’d been acting for the last five years. Five long years. He should have told me sooner.
“If emotions become heightened, it’s a good idea to implement a safe word prior to the discussion which indicates that one of the partners needs to take a break,” – Michelle Smith, LMHC
I guess it’s okay. I mean, there’s nothing else I can do but learn how to live life without his surname. Now, it is real. He doesn’t want to be with me, and I have to accept that. I need to move on from that.
So far, the ways for me to cope is to listen to music whenever I feel bad. I open YouTube and type MISSING YOU by Diana Ross. I also check out Jorja Smith’s TEENAGE FANTASY and BLUE LIGHTS, just to get my groove going. Sometimes, it forces me to dance. Bonnie Raitt was right in her song; I CAN’T MAKE YOU LOVE ME:
‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
In time, I will get there. I have to be. I need to be. There’s no other way for me to be.